i arrived home after my kick-off party sober, alone and ready to write, when i received a text message that said, "keep it up... you're dedication is admirable for sure."
my reply was exactly this: "haha. let me tell you something ironic: the new blog is going to be about how i want to back out."
i won't. i can't.
but tonight, when i was driving home, i was slapped with something cold and fierce. i don't have a best friend. i'm not trying to discredit all of the friends that i have back in nebraska or even the ones i've gained down here... but working so hard on my creative endeavors has really taken its toll. i guess tonight is when this project really came down on me- after trying to find dates, organize them, advertise, trying to find sponsors, figure out crew work, host a party... it's ridiculous.
i just want to chuck the whole idea in the trash, right along with these leftover pretzels, wrap myself up in a cocoon of blankets, and then sleep for 30 days.
it's hard to keep going full-force when you don't have a solid, steady support system... and when your own crew puts you off and doesn't even come to your party.
even Robert Rodriguez- the "rebel without a crew"- wasn't as alone as the title makes him out to be. he had a friend. that friend was not only an actor in his film but he would help scout locations, run errands, gather props, and most of all- he believed in an idea and dedicated himself to it.
please PLEASE let me find someone that i can rely on. someone on that same playing field as me. someone who is ready to take their ideas, their passion and their drive, smash it all together and throw a curve ball, shattering perceptions, reconstructing thoughts and enlightening minds.
i don't know who this is going to be... a best friend? my soulmate? both? maybe just a creative partner...
and now i wonder:
what am i really searching for in this project?