i know you're going to be reading this, so please take note that everything i write in here is meant to help and all thoughts, opinions, and feelings are open to discussion. i will admit right now that there are things i could be wrong about, so please bear with me.
first off, i wanted to thank you again for opening up your house when Ben and i first came down to Austin and had no home. i have to say that even though sleeping in our cars in the St. David's Hospital parking garage in the middle of june was a crucial and amazing part of our adventure, having a couch and an air conditioner was a life-saver. you became a part of our story and we will forever be grateful.
i've seen the giving and honest side to you, so when i saw you at the art show, why were you so different? i can tell the alcohol had something to do with it, but i can't decide if you truly meant some of the things you said to me or if you were just putting up a front. actually... i think you may have been doing both. it's like you couldn't decide who you wanted to be.
you admitted that you wanted the whole nine yards- the american dream- the house, wife, kids, and probably a pet or two, i'm sure. so then why would you start saying crass things to me like "i would take you home and... ...if you'd let me"? i have this feeling that while it may be true, it's not really what you want. or need. what girl is actually going to go for that? not any of the ones that want that house and kids like you do.
then, when you showed up to my kick-off party, you may have been even worse. i know that during our date you asked me not to tell you what happened because you don't remember and don't want to, but don't you think it would be a better idea to discuss it? i wish i would've pushed the subject further but i can tell you've become a pretty closed off person and didn't want to throw a bomb at your wall. i was also very aware of everyone else around us and thought that the conversation was too much of a private one. (i guess i shouldn't have worried about that since i'm writing this blog anyway, right?)
instead we kept the elephant on a short leash, not really having substantial conversation, confusing each other, and not really letting us be ourselves.
you say you're afraid of girls; it's completely in your head. if you're just your honest self when you talk to girls, actually wanting to get to know them instead of putting up this false attitude that you're okay with just a fling, then you're bound to find someone. yes, you're probably going to get some "no, thank you's", but so does everyone else. if you can accept that and the fact that you may just meet some awesome friends, then you'll go into it with a better, more positive attitude. and that's attractive.
i mean- the times you weren't talking about something animalistic, i really enjoyed our conversation and felt like that was truly you... if you just let that happen, no one is going to laugh at you. if they do, they're a-holes anyway and you don't want that.
i hope that makes sense.