Monday, April 18, 2011

love is a cat from hell

here's something i wrote back in january. i end up talking about relationships and then tried to strike something up so it seemed pertinent to this project. (i also wrote a list of things i wanted to achieve in 2011 and i've now added them to everyone should join and start making their own list. it really is a great way to motivate and prioritize.)

"heart pounding- i wish it was from excitement. unfortunately i don't get that way about concerts anymore... and let's not even talk about love. it's from the 20 oz. cup of deliciously brewed coffee beans that i somehow managed to consume in a matter of 20 minutes. 

i wondered if i was going to be one of the oldest here. i was right. but! i met some pretty cool girls while waiting in line. turns out one of them is cousins with the guitarist in the band and i was able to meet him. how funny. whenever i do something crazy- like drive three hours by myself just for a show- things like this happen. and stumbling upon the art gallery/meeting Gloria- there's a reason for that too. maybe just a boost of confidence? maybe something more...

this is exactly what i needed right now: the photo adventure. the quiet, peaceful day (where i could actually hear myself think). the water, the palm trees, the art... the ROAD. the sun. the new. i love change. i love NEW. i'm going to be able to add three more things to my list when i get back: San Antonio, Corpus Christi, Chiodos live...

and speaking of San Antonio- i had a blast yesterday. hanging out with Tiff and Tony was so good for my soul. not only did we get to unload some heavy-hearted stuff weighing us down, we were able to go out and just have FUN. we didn't do a damn thing except act ridiculous and laugh, laugh, laugh. the kind where your stomach hurts and you almost piss your pants (or you actually do). it brought me back to childhood and hanging out with my two best friends...

'the pretenders
with their attitude in full swing,
shoes to match.
invincible mantras and
flirtation dripping from their pores.
holding hands with the temporary-
a fashion icon, a fad.
tomorrow will you be in?
your lip is pierced
but your nose is in the air.
your skin holds color
but your case of appearance holds no water,
guilty of false persona.'

what is it about live shows that makes me want to write? i don't even care if it's any good. just as long as my pen is hitting the paper, i am happy. i don't know why i have such long periods of time of going without. maybe it's because i get the most inspiration in public settings- being around a bunch of people but not knowing any of them. is it because there's a sense of adventure of who i'll meet? is it because i can do whatever i want? think whatever i want? draw, write, breathe, study wherever and for however long i want and there's not a soul demanding my attention?

is it because of the times that i'm actually around people and i feel lonely? it makes less sense to be with people you know and feel out of place and like you're not connecting with anyone than it does if you're alone. it's funny how my friend Rob noticed that about me- that i craved the road because the loneliness makes more sense that way...

do i write to try and invite someone to start up a conversation? do i do it to try and look legit? am i just as fake as these teenster scenesters? maybe i'm just looking for a connection. everyone wants that, right? i want to draw the type of people to my table that are interested in the same things as me, don't i?

and i could swear that that's what it's doing. there is this beautiful man i have had my eye on and i can't tell if it's a coincidence that he's been hanging around me or not. now the heart palpitations from the coffee are just annoying. i don't know how i would talk to a guy feeling like this. i just feel out of body and too much in my mind... like everything around me is being portrayed on a movie screen. do these people even know i'm here? i'm in a bubble.

how many times do you think i'll write about you before you come? should i take a bet with myself? how many days will i spend wanting you and wondering where you are? how many times will i look at a guy and wonder if they are, at all possible, you? how many dreams am i going to have about my past? and about you? are you going to be at all what i expect? how many more lonely tears am i going to emit? how many more couples am i going to look at and try to remember what that even feels like before you come around to remind me? how many guys are going to keep looking past me, not seeing what i am and what i have to offer? what would it take for me to chase after someone? do i even have it in me? i have no desire to be the one running after someone anymore. or maybe when i find you, that desire will come back? both of the times i did that, the relationship ended in disaster. wait. what am i talking about? almost all of my relationships ended in disaster! obviously... i'm here right now with empty hands, aren't i? and i have absolutely no interest in anyone that i've met. the only crush i have is the guy at the merch table that started 30 minutes ago.

i'm so glad that i rant about this to my paper. any sane human being would be so sick of me by now..."

so after i had covered almost every inch of notebook paper that i had shoved in my purse, i decided that i couldn't walk away from the night without at least saying something to the merch guy. i tore off the only blank section of paper that had left and wrote "for some reason i feel compelled to talk to you but have no idea what to say. i've had too much coffee and you wouldn't be able to hear me anyway. the end." then, like a little schoolgirl, i handed the note to him and ran off into the crowd.

i had shoved my way to the front when the band came out on stage. turns out he was the piano player and he was playing right in front of me. awkward!

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